i cant

stop feeling bitter feelings of being replaced and ---
i wish i hadn't met you but i feel the opposite also
bittersweet...

hey..

hey jeh...although many stuff has happened i just wanted you to know ill be there for you always, no matter how far we have drifted my feelings havent changed, i still love you and care for you
-its bittersweet that i wont be the one you'd go to but i just wanted to say that

that time at TC..during worship and i was actually singing my heart out even though i knew i couldnt but at that time, i broke down crying at the end of worship- because God touched my heart, i knew it when i was singing, the lyrics i saw, God's love is never ending and never stopping...reminisce...

so upset, so tonight I'm a damn pussy reminiscing the past and tearing up the hell is wrong with me

so mad

but u dont give a shit
im honestly the most pathetic shit in the world right now
i wont even lie i sometimes want ur attention
i want to regain our good friendship-like before
but obviously instead of regaining
you replaced me
with
them

and its funny
because i predicted this, and even told you before
And you ... just...make...me so upset and speechless

liar

siblings? jeh/sailoh ? you said you'd be there when i needed you, what happen to everything you told me before, you care for me? you love me as a little bro? if this was true, why did you never show it?
its always one sided- for every.single.feeling.i.feel
i miss you- obviously you dont
i care for you - you dont even show interest
i love you - you cant even look at me in the eye or call my by my name ??

frusturating

so so frustrating.. i cant handle this anymore
i have no one , not one single person that knows me, who i am
who can i trust?
everyone leaves in the end
promises are never kept
you words- emptiness

Wow

you can't even say my name, just "him" and you won't even try to mend a broken friendship . we sit in the same room, and you just say ... nothing at all ?

wow

we once considered eachother family...
now we are barely acquaintances?
what was i to you

i love my parents...random gratefulness

[12:24:38 AM] Steven Tran: no ideaa im just thinking
[12:24:44 AM] Steven Tran: of stuff
[12:24:45 AM] Steven Tran: like
[12:25:21 AM] Steven Tran: seeing your mom cry is the most heart wrenching feeling
[12:25:35 AM] Steven Tran: theres this video i watched the other day
[12:25:49 AM] Steven Tran: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYHTFs2G9hc
[12:26:22 AM] Steven Tran: it really touched me
[12:27:30 AM] clabe.: :/  whatever happened, i hope your mom's ok and you too
[12:27:34 AM] Steven Tran: also this picture
 http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/417266_3426578784749_1278687077_3519359_1981809063_n.jpg
[12:27:45 AM] Steven Tran: yeah i think its fine
[12:27:50 AM] Steven Tran: i dont know but
[12:28:13 AM] Steven Tran: it was just on my mind
[12:28:24 AM] Steven Tran: what if she wasnt here
[12:28:52 AM] Steven Tran: sometimes without realizing you take everything for granted
[12:29:36 AM] Steven Tran: like my mom and dad are working so, so hard to shelter and feed me and my brothers
[12:29:48 AM] Steven Tran: they nag me to go to school and get a education for my own sake
[12:30:05 AM] Steven Tran: but i sometimes sleep in and skip anyways even when i know it makes her sad
[12:31:25 AM] clabe.: yeahhh, you never really know what youve got til its gone, i realize sometimes i make them angry on purpose and just shows how selfish and ungrateful i am
[12:31:45 AM] Steven Tran: yeah
[12:31:53 AM] Steven Tran: me too i thought about ways i dissapointed them
[12:32:01 AM] Steven Tran: or made them  angry and stuff
[12:32:25 AM] Steven Tran: man im just really
[12:32:27 AM] Steven Tran: grateful
[12:32:30 AM] Steven Tran: tonight
[12:32:33 AM] Steven Tran: for my parents
[12:33:05 AM] Steven Tran: and just everything
[12:37:15 AM] clabe.: i guess theres a reason why theres such a huge emphasis on loving your parents in the bible even when they do wrong you, cause most of the time they do it out of their love for you

you know what gets me angry?
when you practice your hardest, everyday..
than someone better, that doesnt know anything tells you that you should stop, and practice more.
really? Get out

He is my strength.

pff.

remember how i told you, if i didn't start a conversation, we would never, ever talk?
yeah, and its pretty weird that what it seems your doing to me, is what you said has happened to you before
it hurt you...its hurting me too

blah blah blah summer was over and i think it was the month of August, when it was the first time we stopped talking due to problems(suchasbeingbusy) and it was than i realized that this relationship we had as brother/sister(jeh and sailoh) would crumble soon, because we did not see each other in the same way, a one-sided love, or like you can say in my eyes. the month went by fast...school was starting soon

we were talking everyday on skype, as i learned more and more about her, as i did, my feelings grew more and more immense. i learned of her past relationship problems, and when she told me that she wasnt looking for high school romance, at first i was dissapointed, but being the hard-headed guy i was(or still am) i didnt put it to mind and pursued you anyways. at first i think she didn't take me seriously, and so i continued..it happened so quick i didnt realize one day i ended up spilling how i felt for you, and we both concluded it mustve been infatuation, and it will pass soon (atleast thats what i thought..) so summer came, we still saw eachother time to time, and my feelings did not go away

how i was introduced to Christianity, and how God welcomed me even though i was a mere sinner.

it all started, grade 9, early may when i was introduced to a girl, short and petite, cute, just my type i must admit, through my older friends who attended the same school as i. she was two years older , but i didnt let the age difference get to me. at first, we started off as good friends, just silly and joking around, flirting jokingly with no strings attached, until one day, i 'caught' feelings, i realized this girl was special in her own ways, she was like none ive ever met before and she definitely caught my eye.

just going to c/p some things i wrote in a notepad...and maybe add along some time lol before i delete files off my comp :/

im actually so sensitive at times..

and i do cry..-_-

i hate myself so much

i hate how i care so damn much man its ridiculous , it stresses me it gets me thinkking way more than i have to and it just hurts me inside, it hurts me that i care more than you think or know i do, i hate it that when it comes to people, its either im not interested at all, or just TOO interested, i hate it how if i like someone, i REALLY like them, and it stays there...stays there in my heart, my brain, thoughts come up, what if's...please...get out of me

my life before i had found God, was a mess. i had bad morals, i was impure, used profane language, and i was a emotional wreck. I've always seeked solitude, being on my own, doing and living life on my own. i didn't want anyone help, i was hard-headed and stubborn.i never knew about His love and how great He was, what He did for us, and how He died for us. i took everything and everyone for granted, thinking they would be here forever, but i was wrong. i was blinded by the materialistic things in life, and "love" and relationships. i was always busy with problems, and being so into drama, and such i couldnt hear Him reaching out and calling me, to just believe Him.

hi !

i guess i forgot the fact that i have a private blog and have been writing in a notepad...haha i guess ill post everyday bit by bit about my life before, and now :}

this is how it is?

it seems you have no intentions to regain our friendship back..
maybe its just me but i still care for you as a sister, and it hurts to see this happen...like what you told me before;you had a 'younger brother' before also-but because of circumstances you drifted...are you just going to let it happen again? because i feel like i been replaced...by them

TC2012

changed my life , God is so powerful...so loving...PRAISE GOD

everything you said wouldn't happen, happened
everything i foresaw, is now seen

how we drifted;

from talking everyday- to walking past each other as strangers, to happy greetings to none at all, from something to nothing.

aww :)

this girl, Esther she makes me so happy <3 she's the cutest thing even though she's older than me but AH SHE IS SO ADORABLE LOL ,/thatsit

it's been days

it's been days since we talked , to be honest im still scared, Its painful being around you, because these feelings ... ridiculous isn't it. both of us hold some sort of pride, you never talk to me, but I don't want to give in anymore, no matter how much I'd like to talk to you, I hate feeling like the only one putting effort in our relationship. it'll feel like a insect, just a pest

is it normal for tears to run slowly in midst a prayer ?

really...sad

*sigh*

farewell...

my favourite ... farewell to you...
this song always gets to me...all the feelings rush in my head, my body starts to heat up, and its just so...hard to hold in, tears as the song goes on..

put all my faith in Him

He has something planned for me, there is a time for everything and He will choose what is best for me, so I put all faith in You, all trust in You.

even now..

i still wonder if i cross your mind, did i cause atleast the smallest impact on your life? hmm, these are just thoughts .. that i am very curious to know

i need not need to feel this

for He fills me with strength and love, and has blessed me with many things in life, He keeps me company through sleepless, lonely nights, and fills me with hope each day, He is the king of the kings, the lord of the lords, He is righteous and most powerful, how honored i am to be a follower of Christ,and the Holy Spirit

i wish

to develop a deeper relationship with You, for You have discovered me and give me strength like none other, my Savior who has found me when i was lost with no where to go, let me love You like any other, for you love me unconditionally

ahh i cant explain

i cant explain the difference He made, habits have changed, old things have gone, new things have become to change who i am ~

Ugh..

how much feelings am i feeling as of now, feelings of disappointment, jealousy, betrayal, hatred? only He can help me get through this pain, fill me with Your grace and cleanse the evil and unclean from within me